Friday, April 30, 2021



Hark ye metalheads and youth aspiring to become rich drunken ones with stints in rehab and multiple ex adult film stars as ex-wives harken the following.

This days writings are for those past the early years of bandom this is for ye who are putting a collection of music forthright unto the greater public.

Ok so what that means is this article is for bands getting ready to release a new album.

In most cases bands putting out an album have established at least a small amount of a fan base and have either raised or saved money to do this or lets be honest are supplying the kid down the street who has pro tools with his vice of choice. Either way lets go over a few things concerning your upcoming release that you hope propels you to hot tubs and porn stars.

1.Just get this through your thick skull you are not Metallica and there are not people lining up to buy your next release ok? Maybe just Maybe lets be honest you know who is really excited about this album? YOU

Have you taken the time to play any of the music to strangers? ( play them demos because after this you may want to make changes )Not your family , Not your girlfriend , Not a bunch of buddies hammered on cheap beer but have you actually invited people you do not know into a room and given them each a piece of paper and asked them to listen and write down what they like and dislike. I honestly suggest like a 15 yr old kid your dentist secretary the hot redhead at circle k you think about when you wax your carrot and like a 60 yr old English teacher we want a diverse group of people offer them $5 and tell them they are participating in a music study and film it trust me film it!

What you are doing is getting real opinions from people who don’t give a flying F about you and if they hear something good they will tell you and trust me they will tell you everything bad and if there is a kid under the age of 6 especially listen to them!

At this point you think I am kidding but I am NOT you want raw feedback and you want it to learn about your music. This is exactly what happens in the skyscrapers full of suits trying to figure out what music will sell so skip the middle man do it dammit trust me!

2.LISTEN to what the people say! If someone says the singer is too loud, the guitars sound tinny the drums are buried in the mix listen to them because look we are music nerds and we are impatient when we hear our music recorded it FN rules to us even if you have that picky prick in your band who actually cares about the sound eventually its 3 guys yelling at the picky bitch saying dude cmon!! Do not even try to deny that the tension over how the kick drum sounds on track 4 is not worth an extra month of mixing there are chicks and drugs waiting fellas lets get this done

3.After this excruciating experience now you have learned a lot about your music most of what you did not want to hear or believe after you heard it from the lunch lady you invited. Do you know what the lunch lady , the dental secretary and don’t forget the red head all have in common? They listen to popular music and I know I know you rebel rock star F the radio and popular music right?

Ill tell you why the popular music is popular for a reason. All the mass public knows is music they get fed through the radio TV movies etc. There are formulas in the music that is popular pay attention and stop thinking you know everything for 3 minutes.


3. Ok your have poured your hearts out into your latest masterpiece you’ve played it for a group of strangers who think the Back Street Boys are talent and now you have adjustments to make in your music seriously work on it songs are like orgasms you can get the desired goal many different ways tweak them speed them up slow them down throw in a key change us a French word in the verse.  I talked to your X and your reputation of just banging it out and calling it good is pretty well-known lets work on that ok? This is called the Pizza Parlor Jury and it works and guess what? When you finally get it all together and mixed and mastered we are going to do this again Look I attached a key to a kite and got electrocuted by lightning obviously I know what I’m talking about until next time rocketh thy ass off

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